WHAT IF ANIMATION ANARCHY REWROTE… ONWARD?!
WHAT IF ANIMATION ANARCHY REWROTE… ONWARD?!
(Or: How to Turn a Quirky Road Trip Into the Most Brutal, Cutthroat, Mafia Crime Saga of All Time.)
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WHY FIX ONWARD?
Alright, Onward was a fun, magical, feel-good adventure.
✔ Two brothers trying to reconnect with their dad? Emotional.
✔ A world where magic faded into modern life? Cool concept.
✔ Chris Pratt as a goofy, RPG-obsessed big brother? Solid.
BUT…
✔ WHY WASN’T THIS A FULL-BLOWN, THREE-GENERATION MAFIA WAR?
✔ WHY DIDN’T IAN AND BARLEY INHERIT A CRIMINAL EMPIRE INSTEAD OF A WAND?
✔ WHY WASN’T THIS THE GODFATHER MEETS GOODFELLAS MEETS THE SOPRANOS, BUT WITH ELVES?!
✔ WHY DIDN’T THIS END WITH A BLOODY, POWER-HUNGRY BETRAYAL BETWEEN BROTHERS?!
Well, Animation Anarchy is fixing ALL of it.
🔥 We’re turning Onward into a dark, mafia crime saga about loyalty, power, and a family torn apart by a violent, magical underworld. 🔥
And before Pixar sends a hitman disguised as a friendly cartoon mascot, SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL.
If I’m going to get whacked, let me go viral first. Click here.
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ANIMATION ANARCHY PRESENTS: ONWARD – THE MAFIA CRIME TRILOGY
1. FIRST RULE: THEIR DAD WASN’T A NORMAL ELF—HE WAS A CRIME LORD.
✔ Wilden Lightfoot wasn’t just a dad—HE RAN THE BIGGEST MAGICAL CRIME FAMILY IN HISTORY.
✔ He controlled everything—spells, potions, rare artifacts.
✔ The city ran on his magic, and he had enemies everywhere.
✔ His “death”? Not natural. HE WAS TAKEN OUT BY A RIVAL FAMILY.
🔥 IAN AND BARLEY DIDN’T JUST LOSE A FATHER—THEY LOST THE HEAD OF A CRIMINAL EMPIRE. 🔥
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2. THE MAGIC ISN’T “LOST”—IT’S CONTROLLED BY THE FIVE FAMILIES.
✔ Magic didn’t fade—it was LOCKED AWAY BY ORGANIZED CRIME.
✔ The Five Magical Families keep it out of the hands of the public, selling it at a high price.
✔ Wands? Illegal. Potions? Controlled substances. Spells? You need the right connections.
✔ Their father didn’t just use magic—HE RAN THE RACKETS THAT SOLD IT.
🔥 THIS ISN’T JUST A QUEST—IT’S A BLOODY POWER STRUGGLE FOR CONTROL OF MAGIC. 🔥
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3. IAN AND BARLEY AREN’T JUST BROTHERS—THEY’RE HEIRS TO A DYNASTY.
✔ Ian isn’t a shy, nervous kid—HE’S THE RELUCTANT HEIR, FORCED INTO A LIFE HE NEVER WANTED.
✔ Barley isn’t a goofy RPG nerd—HE’S THE OLDER, LOYAL SON, READY TO AVENGE THEIR FATHER.
✔ When the message from their dad arrives, it’s not about “bringing him back”—IT’S HIS FINAL ORDER: “TAKE BACK WHAT’S OURS.”
✔ Now, every rival family wants them dead.
🔥 THE BROTHERS DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS LIFE—BUT NOW THEY HAVE TO FINISH IT. 🔥
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4. THE FINAL ACT: A BLOODY, GODFATHER-LEVEL WAR BETWEEN CRIME FAMILIES.
Forget “completing the spell.”
🔥 THIS IS NOW A THREE-WAY POWER STRUGGLE FOR CONTROL OVER MAGIC. 🔥
✔ The Five Families unite against the Lightfoot brothers, fearing they’ll take over.
✔ Barley rallies their father’s old allies—dangerous creatures, assassins, ex-enforcers.
✔ Ian, once innocent, starts learning the business—AND BECOMES MORE DANGEROUS THAN ANYONE EXPECTED.
✔ They don’t just “win”—THEY TURN INTO MONSTERS.
✔ Final battle? Barley and Ian storm their enemies’ compound, unleashing the FULL POWER OF THEIR FAMILY’S MAGIC.
🔥 THE BROTHERS GET THEIR REVENGE—BUT AT WHAT COST? 🔥
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5. THE ENDING: A BROTHERHOOD TORN APART.
✔ Barley, the loyal son, believes they should rule together.
✔ Ian, the quiet one, has realized something—THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE BOSS.
✔ With cold precision, Ian betrays Barley, taking the empire for himself.
✔ Final shot? Barley, bloodied, looking at his brother from the ground.
✔ Ian, standing over him, adjusting his suit, saying: “This is the way it has to be.”
🔥 THE NEXT CHAPTER? ONWARD PART II: THE LIGHTFOOT LEGACY. 🔥
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FINAL THOUGHTS: THIS VERSION WOULD BE THE SICKEST CRIME SAGA IN ANIMATION HISTORY.
✔ More betrayals.
✔ More brutal mafia politics.
✔ More “this is a kids’ movie?” moments.
✔ More “HOLY CRAP I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING” moments.
Would this version go hard?
LIKE A BULLET TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD AT A FAMILY DINNER.
Would this version get a sequel?
YES, AND IT WOULD TURN INTO A THREE-PART MAFIA SAGA THAT SPANS GENERATIONS.
Would this version make Onward the most savage crime film in animation history?
ABSOLUTELY.
And now? We turn to YOU.
WHAT IF WE REWROTE ANOTHER MOVIE?
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COMING UP NEXT: WHICH ANIMATED FILM GETS THE ANARCHY REWRITE?
🔥 NEXT UP: MOANA – AND WE’RE TURNING IT INTO A DARK, BRUTAL, MYTHOLOGICAL SEA WAR.
STAY TUNED—IT’S ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE UNHINGED.
